So.. I've been a little overwhelmed lately with thoughts of my future. What with trying to hurry up and graduate before my health insurance runs out, making good grades in the process, wondering if they're gonna be good enough to get into the UCO Masters program. Wondering what God's plans are for me in Haiti, trying to figure out how I'll be able to make it financially while I'm there, trying to figure out how I'm gonna make it financially for my next few years in college, where God wants me right now, bla bla bla. Its been some heavy stuff... kind of exhausting and like i said, overwhelming. But, as I was talking to my friend Katy today, I realized that freaking out about the future is pointless. yeah, i know. It's all I've been doing lately; looking towards the future in order to get through the present. Turning in all the wrong directions in order to distract myself from thinking about it all. Honestly, a part of me wants to give absolutely everything up, and I mean everything, and move to Haiti. to leave everything behind and just GO. UGH i want that so bad sometimes... but then I have to consider my motivation behind it. I've always wanted missions, but I dont want it to be an escape from the hard parts of life. It's a purpose, not an excuse. And I dont ever want to make it an excuse. Dang i've been so discouraged lately. I just feel like I'm making mistake after mistake. Kinda lost in my own head running in circles away from my own thoughts and self convictions. but enough about the weightyness... annoying right? sometimes i get annoyed with myself which sucks cause, well, i feel like the answer to that is obvious. :) awkward.
sooo... on a brighter note: life is awesome! haha yeah that statement totally throws me off too. But, I am incredibly blessed with so much. God has really provided exactly what I've needed this summer. Friendships have improved, family relationships are growing and better than ever, getting to go to Haiti... there are no words good enough for that experience. I've grown alot this summer, and while in some area's i feel like I've taken two steps forward and twenty steps back.. God is God. I have a feeling he is capable of working backwards, sideways, upside down. He can use me even though I am unsure, insecure, unlikey, and fearful (the Gideon).
I've been so afraid of losing that fire for serving God. you know, the reckless fearlessness that comes along with faith and lifechanging experiences.. but i've realized lately that I think I've gotten lost in my reasons behind the thrilling things in life. I need to remember who im doing them for and why. I need to keep God as my focus. kinda like driving a motorcycle... "keep your eyes focused on where you wanna go...". or like running with a twinkie.. "you have to stop running to eat the twinkie"... yeah.. that probably only makes sense to me. guess you had to be there.
whoops. i just got caught not "working"... the end.