Sometimes.

Sometimes I just need an escape, you know? It's so hard to find God here in this mess. Sometimes I need to be by myself so I can be put back together again... sometimes life gets hard, confusing, and exhausting- where you cant breathe and you dont know which way is up anymore. sometimes i dont have the strength to keep going, its just not there and there's nothing i can do about it... it just happens. but sometimes you just have to deal, and pray for strength to make it through. even when your at the end of your rope.

Puzzle Pieces

I may have found a huge investor for my non-profit.. i'm still in shock! Its amazing how things are starting to come together, piece by piece. It was just an idea a few months ago and is slowly becoming a reality. I'm still trying to map out a strategy and business plan though, which is making me regret not having had any interest in my past business classes. But there is hope for my un-named non profit, and God knows me well enough to provide one thing at a time, always at the perfect (and most unlikely) time...

So take a new grip with your tired hands..

"Six months after the earthquake, Haiti is filled with donated food from all over the world. But in some cases, kids are going without. That's because, while it's easy to donate food, there often aren't proper distribution mechanisms to deliver it to the people who need it.

On CNN, Sanjay Gupta visited an orphanage with about 50 kids ranging in age from a few months to 18 years. The day he was there, they had one pot of beans to share—their diet for an entire day.

But there are warehouses all over Haiti filled with food. One of them, a particularly huge one housing stacks and stacks of donated food, was just three miles from the orphanage. Gupta made a call and a truck was sent.

Gupta reports that donated food does generally get distributed. But because distribution is carried out largely by volunteers, and because there is a seeming lack of coordination, 'hundreds of thousands of Haitian children are malnourished.' There are an estimated 350,000 orphans in Haiti."
-Haitian Orphans Go Hungry Despite Aid
By Dan Mitchell

Even before the magnitude 7 quake, poor parents left children at orphanages where they would at least receive one meal a day. Now the number of abandoned children has skyrocketed, said 37-year-old Tamara Palinka, who helped coordinate logistics at the University of Miami-run field hospital on the grounds of the airport.
-The Washington Times

http://vimeo.com/4260371 <---WATCH if you want to see a great thing..





First photo by J. Baquing

"So take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs, and mark out a straight, smooth path for your feet so that those who follow you, though weak and lame, will not fall and hurt themselves, but become strong." Hebrews 12:12

Deprivation Get Outta Here..

Sleep deprived. Leisure deprived. Motivationally deprived. Financially deprived. Friends deprived. Church deprived. Exercise deprived. Sun deprived. Peace deprived. Family deprived. Relaxation deprived. Dreams deprived. Adventure deprived...

Funny thing is, when all is quiet and I'm laying in bed waiting to fall asleep.. I smile to myself. Stress begins to fade and memories flow in. Memories from Haiti and Colombia.. memories of laughing with friends and family vacations. Of crazy adventures and adrenaline rushes. Of love. For the first time, I finally get to feel at peace. I get to feel hopeful. I get to feel, even just for a second, that everything will be okay. It's when I realize I'm happy.

Deprivation of anything seems to be amplified by stress. Actually, I think they amplify eachother. While stress is exhausting, it keeps life interesting. Surely all the Greats of the world were most stressed when accomplishing their impossible feats. So, even though I am stressed and suffering deprivation syndrome, I know it is worth it. Haiti is worth it. Missions are worth it. God is most definitely worth it. My dreams and goals are surely worth the road to get there..


Non-profit update:
been researching on how to start a non-profit and where to begin etc etc. I recently found a website (with high reviews from the wallstreet journal and CNN) called Legalzoom.com that can file my articles of incorporation and help prepare my Federal tax Identification application... throwing in a name clearance and a few articles here and there.

$139 + state fee
Prepare Federal Tax ID Application $30
Prepare & Obtain Tax ID from IRS $79
-seriously. is it possible to do anything in this world without having to pay for something?
Trusting in God's guidance and faithfullness...

I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8

Free Fall

Free-fall:
1. noun; the hypothetical fall of a body such that the only force acting upon it is that of gravity.
2. the part of a parachute descent before the parachute opens.

A pretty incredible way of living, if you ask me. Free falling into the unknown, completely terrifying until you realize how amazing it feels. Your mind is cleared as you open your eyes and see all the places it can take you.
This week I've realized that I've been holding on so tight to my future that my dreams have been limited. Someone said something to me the other day that really woke me up. "When you limit your dreams and put them in a box, they become someone else's dreams". So often I am so hard on myself, filling my own thoughts with self doubt. Darkening my dreams and watching my "bright future" take a brutal fall.
Well, ovbiously I need a little faith and a BIG attitude adjustment. So I'm done doubting, overanalyzing, self patronizing. I'm excited about the future God has for me and the perseverance He is granting.

"And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom"-Paramore

So.. I've been a little overwhelmed lately with thoughts of my future. What with trying to hurry up and graduate before my health insurance runs out, making good grades in the process, wondering if they're gonna be good enough to get into the UCO Masters program. Wondering what God's plans are for me in Haiti, trying to figure out how I'll be able to make it financially while I'm there, trying to figure out how I'm gonna make it financially for my next few years in college, where God wants me right now, bla bla bla. Its been some heavy stuff... kind of exhausting and like i said, overwhelming. But, as I was talking to my friend Katy today, I realized that freaking out about the future is pointless. yeah, i know. It's all I've been doing lately; looking towards the future in order to get through the present. Turning in all the wrong directions in order to distract myself from thinking about it all. Honestly, a part of me wants to give absolutely everything up, and I mean everything, and move to Haiti. to leave everything behind and just GO. UGH i want that so bad sometimes... but then I have to consider my motivation behind it. I've always wanted missions, but I dont want it to be an escape from the hard parts of life. It's a purpose, not an excuse. And I dont ever want to make it an excuse. Dang i've been so discouraged lately. I just feel like I'm making mistake after mistake. Kinda lost in my own head running in circles away from my own thoughts and self convictions. but enough about the weightyness... annoying right? sometimes i get annoyed with myself which sucks cause, well, i feel like the answer to that is obvious. :) awkward.
sooo... on a brighter note: life is awesome! haha yeah that statement totally throws me off too. But, I am incredibly blessed with so much. God has really provided exactly what I've needed this summer. Friendships have improved, family relationships are growing and better than ever, getting to go to Haiti... there are no words good enough for that experience. I've grown alot this summer, and while in some area's i feel like I've taken two steps forward and twenty steps back.. God is God. I have a feeling he is capable of working backwards, sideways, upside down. He can use me even though I am unsure, insecure, unlikey, and fearful (the Gideon).
I've been so afraid of losing that fire for serving God. you know, the reckless fearlessness that comes along with faith and lifechanging experiences.. but i've realized lately that I think I've gotten lost in my reasons behind the thrilling things in life. I need to remember who im doing them for and why. I need to keep God as my focus. kinda like driving a motorcycle... "keep your eyes focused on where you wanna go...". or like running with a twinkie.. "you have to stop running to eat the twinkie"... yeah.. that probably only makes sense to me. guess you had to be there.
whoops. i just got caught not "working"... the end.

Philosophies ramble-ized... never a good thing.

You never know how much someone really impacts your life until they're gone. Until all you have left are photographs and memories. It's so strange that so many different emotions can come out of a single tragedy; that One person, out of the hundreds of people walking in and out of our lives, can have such an impact on multiple voices, characters, thoughts and actions. On choices. And looking at those lives, each one is individually changed. Whether its making you more grateful and appreciative for the friendships you have, or helping you to learn to face the painful situations in your life, instead of pushing them away and pretending to be okay. Sometimes it teaches us to choose our battles wisely, or to remember that spending time with those we love is more important than deadlines and paychecks. Of course, realizing how short life is spreads widely among all of us. It wakes us up. and It hurts like hell.

How often do we stop and really think about the people in our lives? About how we've been changed by them. Maybe about what they're dealing with behind closed doors. Why they are the way they are. Maybe if we all tried a little harder to understand, maybe if we looked alittle deeper, this world would be an easier and better place to live in...

And yet, we live in our own little world. admit it. we each have one. Whether you live in Oklahoma, Canada, or Kenya; we don't really know what else is out there unless we step out of our tiny box of life and see for ourselves. And i'm not just talking about places, but the people who live there, the experiences there. I'm talking about actually feeling the real thing instead of watching it on the news. Goodness, how much more fulfilling it is... know what i'm talking about? If not, wake up and go make an impact. Save a life. Make someone laugh. No one else is gonna do it for you. Just sayin...

Haïti, un non histoire courte

Wow. I honesltly dont even know where to begin. Recently got back from my trip to Haiti, the most incredible and eye opening experience ever. I still can't believe how incredible it was. Funny, when initially asked if I wanted to go, I really felt called. I wanted to keep serving God through missions. Better described, "Called: An instant addict" seems about right. But leading up to the trip, I was so confused. My summer had been significantly lacking in the "Presence of God" department. I felt like all I had was the initial call to Haiti, which wasn't easy to hold onto while running into several frustrating obstacles along the way (isnt that the way it always goes).

Spending most of my summer focused on overcoming my fears, this was definitely the ultimate test for me. I can't even begin to describe what was going through my head on the plane ride to Haiti. Everything about that plane: complete chaos. People getting on without passports, getting yelled at in Creole by a stout old Haitian lady, the pilot walking around spilling his coffee on people... in all honesty, I remember sitting by the window, nervously looking for the paper barf bag. Yeah, I was scared as all get out. I'll admit that right now. Overwhelmed, what else was there to think besides, "omg what have I gotten myself into? I am in way over my head!" I think I can safely say I prayed half of the plane ride, then spent the rest of it searching through my list of common Creole phrases including "Je ne pas parse Kreole". yeah, I was that girl. Not exactly how I expected to feel on the way to the trip of a lifetime. Up until then, I honestly felt recklessly fearless. So what the heck happened?! It makes me laugh just thinking about how much I let Satan get in my head on that plane. The spiritual warfare there was undeniable. Thank the Lord (literally) all the fears that had been bearing down on me, completely disappeared the second I stepped off the plane. Can you say, miracle? I think so!

Finally in Haiti. And by that I mean: "Been waiting since the day I got back from Colombia to be serving again" in Haiti. Finally able to feel exactly what i'd been searching for since March. That undeniable feeling of knowing this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. My calling in life. Missions. There's something about them... really, it's indescribable. It's like waking up after having been asleep for (oh, idk) 21 years. Or able to see after being blind your entire life. Or, better yet, knowing (for the first time) that you've found exactly what you've been longing and waiting for you're entire life. The only place you really belong. Let me tell you, Its better than contentment. It's fulfillment. Peaceful.

Anyway, I gotta get back to work (aka reality). There is so much more to say, so don't worry this isn't the last entry on Haiti :)

So You Thought...

Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fears
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins...


I love this song. every word of it is incredibly true...

Paramore > technology

Alright. So i'm sitting here at work listening to Paramore (undoubtedly the best band ever). paperwork to my right, a long "to do" list to my left, and a rather creepy visitor just now leaving... occasionally walking by the window and staring inside, what the heck. luckily I have security on speed dial. or do i? shoot. i shoulda bought that mace while i had the chance...anyway, i know i may sound a little different in this entry... less "refined" or "formal" i guess. But honestly, I'm so tired. sometimes you just gotta relax ya know? let loose and let the words flow.

I'm so ready for Haiti. I'm so ready to wake up and have a purpose other than making sure i'm ready for work on time. day after day, waking up to my alarm at 8:15 (sleeping in freaks me out)and laying there, staring at the ceiling. already knowing what the day will be like. Spending way too much time thinking. Its torture really. (brick by boring brick by Paramore comes to mind) I dont personally understand it, but ever since Colombia i have felt so restless. I just feel like i need to be out there doing something. changing something. affecting. helping. impacting. making some sort of difference. dont get me wrong, i know this is where im supposed to be right now. i know that i just have to deal with it if i want to be a dietitian. i understand that things would be alot different if i had worked at camp again this summer... but i didnt feel called. idk. i just feel so useless and restless. just alot of nothingness. and yet alot of heaviness. i know what i want and yet i dont. fyi, im complicated. its a gift really, not so much a skill, because its not exactly something i would want to "perfect". I know Haiti will be worth the wait. I know God has been refining me, preparing me for it. Testing my patience... my life long struggle. I'm not particularily a fan. but thats just me.

So, i've always been one to kinda shy away from technology, mainly cause it breaks every time i touch it (ironically i work at a "technology center"). for instance, i'm a klutz and spilled something on my laptop one year, which burned the internet disk thingy out completely. So had to fix that (it completely trashed out a few months later. bummer i know). every single phone i've ever had has broken. i dont really get it. all ipods, radios, cd players, computer programs... break. hmmm im starting to wonder if its from all the mercury in my system. i bet that's what it is. too bad its permanent... oh well. thats how life is. gotta take the bad with the good.

creepy guy stopped by again. how sweet. who needs security. i'm handling this... adios!

Tribute to the Indefinite

"You've asked if you're still on the right road. You've asked if you were supposed to turn left when you turned right. And you've asked if there is a plan behind this scheme. Things haven't turned out like you thought they would... If you are asking [this], let me urge you to do what Joseph did. Obey. He was obedient to God. He was obedient when the sky was bright. He was obedient when the sky was dark. He didn't let his confusion disrupt his obedience. He didn't know everything. But he knew what he knew. Because Joseph obeyed, God used him to change the world. Just like Joseph, you can't see the whole picture. Will you be that kind of person? Will you serve... even when you don't understand?"
-Max Lucado,Cast of Characters.

God. The rescuer of sinking hearts. A guide for the lost. Air to the suffocating.

I dont know what it is about surrender that is so freeing. Funny isn't it, how surrendering yourself, your life and future, and your plans and expectations to Jesus can set a soul free. Captivated by the heaviness of this world. Chained to worry and regret. Bound by secrets. Tormented in fear. Damaged by experiences. Scarred so deeply by the past... How hard it is to surrender all. No person can shoulder these for you, no matter how righteous. As often as we run to others for fixes, it's never enough. It is never fulfilling. And when we ourselves try to be that shoulder, we are defeated. Utterly torn to pieces. But where is the line? When do we stop feeling what those we care most about feel, and let God take it? How do you live your life freely and fearlessly when someone you love so much more than yourself is in such pain...

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage"- Lucius Annaeus Seneca.

All you can do is obey. Trust in God's promises. Know that He is guiding you through it all. Holding and comforting you when its painful. And knowing that, in the end, it's your weakest moments that will make you strongest.

"Greatness is a road leading towards the unknown"-Charles de Gaulle.

Life in Allocation...

So... I know it's been a while since i've blogged. OK well i've only blogged once. I guess it'd be slightly more correct to say... it's been quite a significant amount of time between my first and second blog. Anyway, I suppose i'll start out by posting a fraction from a book i came across by John Eldredge, called Waking the Dead. Pretty awesome stuff. Spoke to me at least..

"The deeper reason we fear our own glory is that once we let others see it, they will have seen the truest us, and that is nakedness indeed. We can repent of our sin. We can work on our "issues." But there is nothing to be "done" about our glory. It's so naked. It's just there -- the truest us. It is an awkward thing to shimmer when everyone else around you is not, to walk in your glory with an unveiled face when everyone else is veiling his. For a woman to be truly feminine and beautiful is to invite suspicion, jealousy, misunderstanding. A friend confided in me, "When you walk into a room, every woman looks at you to see -- are you prettier than they are? Are you a threat?"
And that is why living from your glory is the only loving thing to do. You cannot love another person from a false self. You cannot love another while you are still hiding. You cannot love another unless you offer her your heart. It takes courage to live from your heart. My friend Jenny said just the other day, "I desperately want to be who I am. I don't want the glory that I marvel at in others anymore. I want to be that glory which God set in me."
"Finally, our deepest fear of all . . . we will need to live from it. To admit we do have a new heart and a glory from God, to begin to let it be unveiled and embrace it as true -- that means the next thing God will do is ask us to live from it. Come out of the boat. Take the throne. Be what he meant us to be. And that feels risky . . . really risky. But it is also exciting. It is coming fully alive. My friend Morgan declared, "It's a risk worth taking."
-- John Eldredge in "Waking the Dead", pp 87-88


The deeper reason we fear our own glory is that once we let others see it, they will have seen the truest us... vulnerability. No one likes being or feeling vulnerable. Of course there is something thrilling there.. a part of us craves it. Longing for the excitement, the unknown. But for the most part, from what i have noticed at least, we all (including myself) hate it. I guess you could call it a love-hate relationship, with an emphasis on the hate part. Letting someone else into our inner most thoughts and concerns, ideas and passions, secrets and weaknesses... i believe to be one of the hardest inner battles we'll face in our lifetime. Honestly, I can't think of many instances in my life where i've let someone see many of those "vulnerabilities" (i guess you could call them). In fact, I've spent the majority of my life pushing them away, or hiding them; and putting up a front. Growing up pretending like I was normal, healthy. Keeping my illness a secret as often as i could. Never letting on to even my closest friends how truly sick I was... how close I had come to death numerous times. Making up stories when asked about my scars. Hiding my tears in church. Clenching onto my chair when prayer was offered. There is so much fear in vulnerability. It's like the two have been synonyms my entire life. Practicing fear without even realizing it, and learning to hide the weight it provided with excellence. A friend once told me, as I finally broke down after months of distress, that she never knew I was hurting. One of my best friends had no idea I was in such pain. My first thought was, wow, I cant believe i've gotten so good at this. My second thought, I have been such a coward. All these years, doing everything I can to hide my weaknesses, therefore covering so much of the glory God has worked in my life. Fear has been the absolute center of it all. Fear is more often the means behind every decision rather than God.

John Berryman- "We must travel in the direction of our fear."

Since first realizing the fears in my life (other than vulnerability), God has given me so many opportunities to trust Him, thus allowing me to witness innumerable accounts of His glory and blessings in my life, through me, and in the lives of others. God is most definitely taking me to the next level in trusting Him, facing my fears, and dealing with my "issues"/vulnerabilities. It feels entirley risky, but im trusting in His promises. Or trying to...

Got alot to say i guess....

So here i am blogging. how weird is this?! I feel like i'm talking to myself. keeley stop being awkward. I dont really have much to say about anything. But i would like to mention (to whoever is reading this) that God has done so much in my life lately! I am so greatful for everything he has blessed me with. He has recently opened my eyes and ears to him, making it easier to follow his direction in my life. I've been reading that book Facing Your Giants. it is really really good. totally changed my life. i strongly encourage you (whoever you are) to read it.

I'm going to Columbia over spring break! I'm very excited to not only serve God through serving others, but also because its my first time to leave the country. Plus, i've felt called to mission work since 2004. so that means that this trip is my official start to that part of my life. I feel bad that i cant go skiing with my family over break, but im hoping they'll understand my desire and need for this trip. finally getting the opportunity to do something i've been wanting for years is like a miracle.

Doubts. At first i completely doubted god in the whole trip thing. i signed up then got insanely busy with school and work. I had no time to raise money and honestly, I was so scared to ask people to donate. yeah i know, i was a complete fool not to trust God, and a coward to be so afraid of something so simple. All i wanted at the time was to forget about the trip and just go skiing with my family instead. then one night i was reading that facing your giants book and i felt like i really needed to go to spring creek on sunday morning. i went to bed and didnt even set my alarm because i knew it was pointless. i was so sure that i had already missed the deadline for the down payment. God being...well...God, woke me up extra early that next morning. No one else in my family was going to church that day...(another good excuse. dang you satan) but i knew i would regret not going. so i went and found out the money wasnt due till the next week. the exact money needed was donated just a few days later, and that is when i started really listening to God. He obviously wants me on this trip. His promises are being fulfilled, even the ones made in 2004. I'm still raising money for the trip so if anyone would like to donate please let me know!

God gave me even more opportunities to obey him over christmas break, which now i am so greatful for. I've given my testimony a few time but it seems to go very badly everytime. not only do i get nervous infront of a group of people, but my testimony being as personal as it is, makes it even harder for me to keep my cool while sharing it. anyways, Brianna and I went to visit our friend mitch in tonkowa the last weekend of break where God completely revived me of my practically "coma state" relationship with him. He took all my doubts, all my fears, and gave me an insane amount of courage, or at least more than i've ever had. Derrick (the pastor staying with the family we were visiting) asked me alot of questions about my testimony and my faith. It made me very uncomfortable at the time till i realized that i actually liked the fact that i was being challenged by god to figure out the answers. questions like, what has everything i've been through done for my faith? and what is faith to me? and what have i done to encourage other's faith through my experiences? anyway, he asked me to give my testimony at the youth group there on sunday night. all i could hear in my head was, NO WAY! yeah i know, pretty cowardly. but i did tell you i was a coward till that night, didnt i? i told him i'd think about it, to afraid to tell him no at first ( and to tell god no). but later i was talking to mitch about it and he said something i'll never forget: what's there to be afraid of when God is right there with you and when it's in his plan? and he was so right. so i said yes. of course we got lost on the way there sunday night and i had so many chances to turn the dang car around, but i knew i'd regret it if i didnt. and i started thinking about that book, facing your giants, and how i was acting just like david, running off to the wilderness instead of facing what lies ahead. we found the place (thanks to the guy upstairs and brianna's amazing sense of direction). of course, i sat in the back. are you really surprised? but they saw me and introduced me, i walked up to the front onto the stage, and was handed the mic. I think that is the first time I have every really completely let God take control and speak through me. It went amazing, i said everything i wanted to say and more, and walked back to my seat with more courage than i've ever had. God and I have been incredibly close ever since.

James 1:2-4